tempting to say i see in all i see

Week to Slow in Passing

Monday, May 26th, 2008

This may sound blasphemous and I may be strike down by lighting for saying this but… I’m sick of my parents being here. Mum not so much but dad is getting on my nerves.

Two week has gone by since they were here. That is two weeks of acting. It is tiring putting on this mask and covering myself with sheepskin. The noose around my neck loosens each time I leave the house. Just today, I was lying on the ground under the tree in South Lawn, relaxing, and perhaps letting out a breath of relief for the peace and quiet that I’ve been awarded. That sense of freedom, if only for a brief moment, is sweeter than nectar.

It is not that I do not like having their company. Me, being myself, loathes when people impose their believes and rules on me. I see things differently than you. And you see things differently than me. Another will also see things differently to you and I. So let me ask, why do you have to force your will upon others hoping they will bend to your fold? Even if you can by force of will, no one will willingly on their own free will change their opinions just like that. All you’ll get are just wolves in sheepskins waiting to pounce and rebel back at you.

Almost five years ago, I was turning my back to them, dragging with me my worldly possessions, heading across the ocean to a new place. A new beginning, a new experience, and most importantly towards new found freedom. I know my mum was in tears. She is sad to let me go. Though it pains my heart knowing she was crying, I was more excited about this journey. I was smiling. Blasphemous I know. But years in chains makes this journey all the more sweeter.

I managed to start my life anew here. No more pass baggage nor reputation to uphold. No more masks to wear nor persona to slip into. For the first time in eighteen years, I was finally able to be myself. But every time I go back to visit them, or they fly over to visit me, I find myself digging out that dusty old chest, pulling out that familiar mask and putting it on. How many times must I do this? I’ve tried so many times to resist the power of the mask – the power to avoid conflict, but each time it was in vain. It was simply just too easy to don it once again.

Over the past few months, I began to rebel. Little by little. Slowly but surely, in time I will be able to cast aside the mask. However, for now, slipping into the mask is just too easy. With that said, time to put on that bloody mask and smile over the next painfully slow week. Just … one … more … week.

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Transition

Friday, May 23rd, 2008

Here I am sitting on my desk thinking of what to do. Studies are out as I’ve just got home from the library. What is left is usually to kick back, relax and pour in countless of hours into something I enjoy most – Gaming.

But herein lies the problem. Looking at my desktop, there are only four games sitting there.

Three quarters of the games I have currently on the hard drive requires online connection to play. The Lord of the Rings Online is my current primary MMORPG. Having reached max level and achieving Grandmaster in Weaponsmithing, there is nothing much to do solo. Most interesting things require companions. My usual gang, like me generally have real life things going on and we play very casually. A huge change from last time.

Hellgate: London, a game I recently decided to start playing again feels boring without friends. It is a one off fee (the price of the game) to play for life (assuming the servers are still up) game, yet most of my friends are to cheap to pay for it. Those that do, like me and my LotRO gang, have real life to get on with.

The final online game I have is Warhammer Online. It is currently still in Closed Beta state, hence only me among my group has exclusive access to it. With the Non-disclosure Agreement (NDA) and with no one close to play with, I gets lonely.

So where do I stand now? At the turning point in life where games that were once part and parcel of my life, slowly fading in to the background. I spend more time reading novels or researching computer hardwares than I do gaming. In fact these past few weeks, I’ve been clocking in more time online, researching on how to calculate and tweaking my CPU/Motherboard/RAM’s clocks, frequencies and multipliers more than I do gaming.

Furthermore, if you take a look at the games I’ve completed over the past few months, they are mostly portable games (see my previous post “Portable Gaming and Me“, in which is a boon while commuting. While you are there, take a look at that massive backlog of games I’ve collected over the past few years. It is daunting.

With graduation just around the corner, comes another worrying transition – working full time. In a way, I’m dying to start a full time job because of the money, then again, once I’m being sent to the slave pens slogging it out, I wouldn’t have much time to do the things that I love to do.

Then with my girlfriend overseas, not knowing when we could be together again is just killing me. Friends. Would they still be here or will they go back to their home country? Relationships built up over the past few years could just vanish because of change in circumstances. It is a fact that we will always find new friends but losing that link just like that seems a little bit wasted and sad.

Heraclitus of Ephesus, a Greek philosopher once said:” The only thing constant is change.” So many unknowns, so many worries. Yet nothing can be done about it except to take it as it comes. This I know to be certain.

/end rant.

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