Archive for the ‘Journal Entries’ Category

Faces

Monday, October 24th, 2011

“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players.” ~ William Shakespeare

This is one of my favorites quotes from William Shakespeare. There are many meanings to this quote. One of it talks about our journey through life. We as human beings go through various stages in our life. From our birth we enter the stage and keep on acting true to our age, until old age when we act the last scene.

We as human beings are merely puppets on stage. We’re given different roles and we play them thinking that this is our’s decision, that we have control over our destinies. As a man made puppet show, every human character has different roles to play in their lives. Our first role on this earth is of a infant being born into the world kicking and screaming. The second role is that of a growing child, unwillingly carrying his heavy school bag (which to him is like a burden), dragging his feet reluctantly to school.

The third role is that of a lover, attempting to court their significant other in an attempt to not go through life’s journey alone and to live behind a legacy. Then, he takes on the role of a soldier, a guardian, a sentinel. One who fights with all his courage to defend what he believes in and treasure the most. They could possibly fight for their rights, their ideals, their newly formed family, their freedom, their dreams or simple just to overcome the challenges the life throws at them.

This is the phase of their lives that determines what the ending will be. In stories, this is the phase where the protagonist is challenged constantly in his/her quest to realise their ambition/goal/dreams. The protagonist will either triumph against all odds or will follow Macbeth footsteps as wades through blood until his inevitable fall.

Regardless of the outcomes of the this phase, the protagonist will learn and gain new insights and view of live. This is when he plays his next role as a person full of wise sayings based on their experience of life. They will then continue to grow older and older until their final stage, which when death claims them. This is when the character exits the stage and thus the human being who is merely a player finishes his role from the play of life.

The other meaning is that since we’re all merely players on a stage, everyone is watching our every move and actions. Whether you think you are alone in the world or not, you are merely playing different roles. We’re always and constantly performing. Take for example, while you are at school, you may play the role of the popular kid in school, the one everyone aspires to. However, when at home alone, you may play the tragic hero where nothing ever goes right.

In this world, regardless of whether you believe it or not, we all want to be loved by people around us. The sad fact of this is that we try hard to please everyone around us and consequently let society dictate what we do. The things we say and do, also perhaps the games we play, and manipulations to derive a particular outcome of a scenario are merely the what we are made to do. In other words, human beings have no will of their own. Each of us has a definite predetermined role to play in the drama of life. It is not left to any of us to assign to themselves a role of their own choice. The roles are assigned by someone else without consulting us. No one can change or modify the role assigned to them. The role is assigned by the stage manager, call him Fate or God.

We have to always hide our emotions, for fear of offending someone. All the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players.

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Posting in Sorrows

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

Its been quite sometime since I’ve posted any new updates. I had an observation that people tend to post more to their blogs, Facebook or twitter whenever they’re in sorrow or troubled. I’m one of these people.

What I surmise is that when you’re happy and things are going well, you tend to be too happy enjoying life rather than posting about it. Which is true most of the time.

While I’m in a better position now compared to a few months back, it doesn’t mean that everything is fine now. My lack of posts for the couple of months was due to the fact that I was too busy resolving my own issues to post about it. Secondly, I’m also trying to cut down on depressiong posts.

Life is never a smooth journey. Its how you overcome the hurdles of the journey that brings meaning to life. Life goes on and I will continue to plough through it.

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Crazed about Spice

Monday, June 20th, 2011

About a week or two ago, against our better judgment, we decided to head over to a new much talked about joint in Melbourne CBD for a catch-up lunch. Despite sharing the same name, this restaurant is not part of the same Crazy Wings franchise over in Sydney. As far as I know, it is pretty much same same but different to the one in Sydney.

What is so great about this Crazy Wings you ask? In my humblest of opinions, Crazy Wings’ sole purpose for existence is to incinerate and subject your mouth to excruciating torture (or so I thought at that time, until I discovered something else worst. More on that further below…).  Each skewers hold 2 tiny wings, ranging from $1.50 per skewer to $2.50 Crazy Wings skewer. There are other things to order too but the main draw are the cheap skewers and the Crazy Wings itself. I’ve been to the place about five times now. The first four times was hot as hell (literally), but the third? It feels toned down. My tongue did not burned off and it was just a tad bit spicier than Extra Hot Nandos Peri Peri, but just barely. Extremely disappointing.

In the midst of our crazed for all things spicy, my Sri Lankan friend introduced to me something called Mad Dog. It brought back from the US by his brother in law and given to him as a gift. He brought some in to the office to spread the love.

This baby is NOT for the FAINT HEARTED. The Mad Dog 357 Hot Sauce with its blend of 160,000 Scoville super hot cayenne peppers, fiery hot red habanero peppers and finally a whopping 3,000,000 (yes… THREE MILLION) Scoville pepper extract that will provide a tingle (…tingle… ha!) from your tongue to your toes. This killer sauce is packing 357,000 Scoville units of heat. One hit will blow you away!

The Scoville scale is a measurement of the spicy heat (or piquance) of a chili pepper. The number of Scoville heat units (SHU) indicates the amount of capsaicin present. Capsaicin is a chemical compound that stimulates chemoreceptor nerve endings in the skin, especially the mucous membranes. The scale is named after its creator, American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville. His method, devised in 1912, is known as the Scoville Organoleptic Test. The modern commonplace method for quantitative analysis uses high-performance liquid chromatography, making it possible to directly measure capsaicinoid content.

See below table from wikipedia to see where the Mad Dog sits on the scale:

And being a responsible company, the following disclaimer is written on the bottle itself:

Hot Sauce-Extract Disclaimer.

Due to The Extreme Nature of These Products, Please read the following disclaimer.

I agree, as indicated by my opening this bottle, as follows in connection with my purchase of this product:

1. Due to the extreme hot nature of this product, this product shall be used as a food additive. This product can cause serious injury if directly consumed, ingested or applied to the body.

2. Due to the extreme hot nature of this product, this product shall be used with extreme care in very small amounts only.

3. This product is to be used at my own risk, and I am fully understand the potential danger if use or handled improperly.

4. If I give this product as a gift, I will make the recipient fully aware of the potential danger if used or handled improperly.

5. I hereby disclaim, release and relinquish any and all claims, actions and lawsuits that I, or any of my dependents, heirs, family members or legal representatives, may have against any party relating to any damage or injury that may Result, or is alleged to have resulted, from the use, consumption, ingestion, contact or other use of or from the product.

6. I am not inebriated or otherwise not of a sound mind, and I fully able to make a sound decision about the purchase of this product.

Imagine this. A bunch of guys in suits, standing around a container holding red liquid death in the middle and each one holding a plain biscuit to dip in. On the count to three, and due to peer pressure, everyone dipped in the sauce (by dip I mean everyone just touched the sauce just a little bit) and put the poison into their mouths. The first five seconds or so, everyone goes “that’s not so bad… I wonder what the fuss is about…”. After five seconds or so, everyone goes “hang on… I think I feel it coming… oh yeah its coming alright… shit… that is hot…. ok…. thats FUCKING hot… stop… stop… STOOOPPP!!” and everyone dashes to the sink beating and shoving each other away just that douse the hellish flames raging in our mouths.

Same thing happened when I took some sauce over to my friend’s place. Two blokes were game enough to try, the rest scurried away in abject horror upon smelling the ghastly waft of chili death. RC, the big guy took a dip and was furiously sweating, mucus flowing and eye tearing,  rapidly removed his thick jacket and guzzled down jugs of water. The feeling was like a fire building up into a bonfire, and then rapidly feel like a flamethrower just went off in your mouth and finally nuclear explosion killing your senses. Your brain shuts down and all you can think about is killing the pain.

This sauce is clearly not for the average person who loves to add some spice to their cooking. However, if you would like to turn your cooking into nuclear fare, I would advise using no more than a few drops at the time. Please heed the words of wisdom on the bottle and proceed with caution — and enjoy!

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Frozen

Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

Tap tap tap goes the rain raps my window. Strong winds rattling the window frames and icy wind seeps through the old wooden cracks and numbs my fingers.

I looked at the weather report and it tells me that it is 5.7 degrees Celsius now. However, it also mentions that it feels like -4.9 degrees Celsius. Wind speed is around 46km/h with gusts travelling at 61km/h. Hail is also predicted.

I put on more clothing and I’m still shivering and struggling to type with numb fingers. My rapidly cooling cup of honey is doing little to keep me warm.

The rain is now hammering my window and I can feel more wind blowing through the rotten old wooden window frames. I curse at the weather half-heartedly as I still prefer the cold over the hot weather, after all there is only so much you can take off.

I can’t curse the rain with a vengeance too as I love listening to the rain when I’m indoors and dry. It has a strange calming effect on me. Helps me to relax, think and reflect. Its soothing and it takes me back to days gone by when I traced the droplets down the window with my finger, or blew my breath on the pane to draw a smiley face (which i still do).

Sometimes, it even gives me some sense of security, wrapped in a thick blanket, like a cocoon being sheltered from the world. The rain washing away the problems of today and the worries of tomorrow, if only just for a brief moment. I listened intently on the rain, hoping it will whisper me its secrets. All I heard was the fickle minded rain that drizzle for a few minutes and pours heavily the next. Playing in the background softly is Cocoon by Jack Johnson. I forgot how much I loved Jack Johnson’s songs. The simple acoustic guitar rhythm and mellow deep lyrics is just what I need now.

Midnight is slowly but surely creeping up on me. I know I should sleep early and get more rest, but I find it hard to sleep these days. Perhaps with the sweet sound of the rain singing a lullaby to me, tucked into a warm blanket, with my loving wife next to me, I might just be able to sleep well.

rain

 

 

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Tumbled Pieces

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

When you see an unstable person, what do you do?
You fuckin’ leave him alone!

If you see a hobo with a knife on a street, what do you do?
You stay the fuck away from him!

If you see someone standing on the edge, what do you do?
You don’t fuckin’ provoke him!

SO STOP FUCKING PUSH ME OFF THE EDGE!

I’ve had it all in control. I told you things were better now that you agreed to my terms. Things were finally getting back on track. After the squaring off between and the circling in the dissonance, I’ve started bringing back the pieces. The fallen pieces were starting to fall back into place. Communication rediscovered. Cold silence lessened.

Then you just had to force yourself to break the status quo. You had to nudge me off the cliff. And I watched the temple topple over again. The pieces fall away again. Mildewed and smoldering. The light that fueled our fire then has burned another hole between us.

I’m so disappointed.

 

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Murphy Sucks

Saturday, May 7th, 2011

Dear Murphy,

You really do suck. It is just like you to kick a man when he is down. It is just like you to throw a rock down after a man has fallen down a well.

I know you can’t help it because it is in your nature to be a sadist. You like rubbing salt on a wound just to see people grimace. You like to pour kerosene on someone who is on fire just to hear them scream. I am also fully aware of how much you take joy in your fetish to see people suffer.

First you broke my washing machine, then my PS3 and then my fridge. You bastard. What else do you want from me?

Hating you with a passion,
Jason

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Empire Building

Wednesday, April 13th, 2011

Thinking is the very essence of, and the most difficult thing to do in, business and in life. Empire builders spend hour-after-hour on mental work… While others party. If you’re not consciously aware of putting forth the effort to exert self-guided integrated thinking… Then you’re giving into laziness and no longer in control of your life.” ~ David Kekich

It certainly has been a long time since I really had any fun. I can’t remember a time when I actually have the opportunity or time to really play a game, read leisurely or have a TV/movie marathon session. Fun has been sucked out of my life. Coming from an upper middle class lifestyle to a working class lifestyle once I started working has placed a huge amount of pressure both physically and mentally. The loss of choice I used to have is something that I can’t get used too.

I spend long hours at work dealing crisis after crisis only to come home to figure out my next move and plot my next plan while taking into consideration potential missteps and unforeseen circumstances in my quest to reach financial freedom. Instead of playing games I am studying for my qualifications and work related literature; instead of reading my favorite novels I am reading about dry serious business/investment/self improvement books; instead of watching TV/movies I’m figuring out ways on how I can save more money while living from hand to mouth.

Having to spend hours-after-hours on mental work, with my mind working constantly overtime makes it hard to sleep. I keep waking up every other hour in the night with my mind still active. It is bloody annoying. I feel tired every day. I drink 2 – 4 shots of espresso each day. I drink about 6 – 8 cups of tea at work. Staying awake and productive is the name of the game although I have also realized that my Panadol/Neurofen/Aspirin consumption has increased. What I would give for a decent night’s sleep.

It is hard not to be jealous of your friends and peers that are out there enjoying and partying while you spend all your time building your empire once sand at a time. However, there is always a silver lining in everything that life throws at us. This challenging time for me has forced me to grow more mature and responsible. I have shed my ‘innocence’ and got rid of my happy go lucky attitude. I am a changed man. Hopefully for the best.

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Absent-minded

Wednesday, April 6th, 2011

The basis of absent-mindedness is a failure between memory and attention. Usually when you are being absent-minded, it’s that your conscious processing is focused on something other than the task at hand; you are thinking about something else.

Recently, through my many trials and tribulations, I realised that I have a huge problem. I am cursed. Cursed with being absent-minded. Absent-mindedness can refer to three very different things:

  1. a low level of attention (“blanking” or “zoning out”);
  2. intense attention to a single object of focus (hyperfocus) that makes a person oblivious to events around him or her; or
  3. unwarranted distraction of attention from the object of focus by irrelevant thoughts or environmental events.

I am guilty of all of them.

I have found that my own biggest issue isn’t a lack of will or knowledge, or even applying that knowledge. My biggest problem is my absent-mindedness. While it happens to all of us from time to time, it seems to happen to me quite often. I would forget what I’m are doing and end up making a big mistake. Often, big mistakes I can deal with as with my personality, I usually accept whatever life throws at me and go with the flow.

It is when my absent-mindedness causes a mistake that directly impacts those that I truly love, I’m at loss at what to do. I just can’t seem to be able to focus my attention to resolve issues and my mind tends to wander. The funny thing is, when I’m at work handling multiple tasks, dealing with multiple distractions, providing leadership for support teams and resolving complex issues, I am able to focus and tackle them one by one. I’m great at what I’m doing at work. I am proud to say that I am successful in my career and it is progressing fine. Even playing complex strategy games I can handle it just fine.

However, when it comes to applying it to my own life, I falter. I have been trying to improve myself. I am getting there, but at a very sloth like place. It is just too slow for my liking and meanwhile I keep stumbling. Knowing one’s own mistake is the first step to be a better person. I know. However, I just can’t seem to keep forcing myself to be able to concentrate and focus on everything around me, to tackle all the issues that is affecting my personal life well.

After much reflections, I have identified my flaws:

  1. I hate having to keep track of many different things. I also hate focusing on details and multitasking (This only applies to real life. When it comes to work or playing games, I would love it. I just can’t figure out why).
  2. I’m very absent-minded. Without reminders, I will forget things.
  3. I have a deeply ingrained habit of being late. I seem to be constantly wrongly estimating and losing track of time. I always think that there is still time and greatly underestimate how long things will take. (e.g. if my tram comes at 8.24am, I will start getting ready at 8.20am, thinking I can just walk outside and catch it. But then I realize I need to pack my bag first, and then I can’t find my wallet, and I miss the tram).
  4. I’m heavily oriented toward electronic organizational strategies.

While I could come up with individual solutions for each of these problems I am sure that some people just have an easier time getting organized and may be saying to yourselves, “that’s so easy to avoid.” But in practice it has been very hard for me to come up with a systematic way of preventing these things from happening. I guess it is partly because I am a procrastinator. I keep putting things off. Couple with being easily distracted, I forget things easily and when shit starts hitting the fan, I suddenly remembered that I should have and needed to do that thing which I delayed/forget.

Being technically savvy, I’ve tried computer/digitally based software or methods to keep track of things and notes, But it ended up being sitting in the background collecting digital dust. Maybe it is just not easy enough to carry around. Even with a personal organizer on my mobile that syncs with my desktop/laptop, I am still not using it as religiously as I should. Maybe, I just lack the willpower.

Recently, I’ve started to get into a habit of jotting things to be done on my physical desk diary at work. I write down the things that needed to be done and tick them off as the day progresses and I find that it is helpful given the ad-hoc/non-streamlined multi-tasking nature of my job. I should probably get one for my daily life.

Which brings to me to another weakness that I’m trying to correct. Long-term planning. While writing down daily reminders and short term things that needs to be done is all well and fine, planning for complicated task that takes a longer time horizon to be completed is something that still escapes me. Doing that with work and for playing games is fine for me but I just can’t for the life of me figure out why I simply CAN’T translate it to my personal life.

It is frustrating. I hate it.

Research has shown that external factors such as lack of sleep, a stressful situation, and having poor nutrition can all lead to having a poor level of focusing. I guess that has to do with what I’m currently going through as well. Maybe I’m just dealing with too many major things at the same time that I’m not used too. Having to grow up in such a short amount of time is challenging indeed. With only my wife for support, I do feel lonely at times especially when she has her own problems with finding a job and settling with Australian life and I just don’t want to add extra burdens for her.

I really need to change. Fast.

 

 

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Alcohol

Saturday, March 12th, 2011

It has been awhile since I have drank so much. I have been drinking for 5 hours straight yesterday at a corporate function. I was perfectly fine when I finally left the venue. I was doing some calculations and reading a novel until I reached home.

I managed to climb the stairs to my apartment, took a warm shower and surf the net for a little bit. That the full effect of the alcohol hit me.

Massive headache, tummy churning, chills…. went straight to bed at 9pm. Slept straight through until 10am.

Never going to drink this much again…. maybe. All in all it was fun. A good chance to meet and get to know people on the floor who you never really dealt with.

Entertaining to hear crazy stories and exploits. Can’t wait for the next one.

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Disposition

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Mention this to me

Mention this to me
Watch the weather change

Watch the weather change

Watch the weather change

Watch the weather Change

Mention this to me
Mention something,
mention anything.

Mention this to me
Watch the weather change

Watch the weather change
Watch the weather change
Watch the weather change

Watch the weather
Change

Watch the weather
Change

Mention this to me
and Mention something,
mention anything

Mention this to me
Watch the weather

Watch the weather change
Watch the weather change
Watch the weather

~ Tool, Disposition

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